Anyone who has had to attend meetings when they would rather have been getting on with "real work" will probably identify with this. In retrospect, the meetings were not nearly as bad as this suggests but on a warm summer's day with blue sky from horizon to horizon it was a sore trial to sit through them and stay awake.

It is said that soldiers on stomachs do march
That gin is what gives their officers starch
That all civil servants on paper subsist
And that words politicians require to exist
But we at Dounreay have our own cross to bear
It's a diet of meetings that's our staple fare

There's meetings on safety, neutronics and pumps
Heat transfer, hydraulics, transducers and dumps
On tubeplates, computers, ejectors and drums
On Cosmos and Fifi and answers from sums
On planning, promotion and unions and pay
And even on keeping the seaweed at bay

There's meetings that happen on regular dates
And others whose timing relies upon fates
There's meetings of parties and groups and of course
There's one takes from Barlow the name of Task Force
But whatever the subject or topic or name
The lack of decision makes all look the same.

The effects of a meeting start days in advance
As members read papers and bid to enhance
Their grasp of some subject far outside their ken
And try to brush up on the latest of gen
So that if the chairman should ask for advice
Their reply will be snappy and clear and concise

Then comes the day and we all gather round
Then idly talk 'till the chairman is found
We shuffle around, sit down at our place
And summon resources the meeting to face
We pass around papers, in diaries we peer
While chairman outlines why the hell we are here

The correction of minutes is first on the list
Where we try to put right what the secretary missed
And try to deny that we ever did say
What was minuted to us the last meeting day
And generally show by our bearing and tone
That we're fully conversant with all that has gone

We move onto papers which people present
And quickly find reason to sadly lament
That some quote verbatim in sermon-like drone
And some take the chance for a bloody good moan
While some wave their paper "What can I say more?"
Aware that we'd got it just minutes before

Then comes discussion where all have their say
And logic and sense seldom enter the fray
Blind alleys are traversed, red herrings abound
In the end you can bet no decisions are found
Then arguments wither, the silence extends
And by common consent the discussion just ends

More papers are taken, the clock creeps around
Wild kites are oft flown, and quickly shot down
Attention now drifts from the business in hand
And only the diehards still cling to their stand
The meeting stagnates as words lose their punch
And thoughts of all members are focused on lunch

The afternoon session in lethargy starts
As once more the members prepare for their parts
But the drone of the words and the afternoon sun
Conspire with the food so that little is done
The set of the features, the glaze of the eyes
Show where tendrils of sleep bid to tighten their ties

The drowsiness grows and focus is lost
Double images quiver and shimmer and ghost
The sensory organs say "Naught to report"
And the brain lacks the input of data to sort
So the muscles go limp and the eyes upward roll
And into the arms of Morpheus we fall

Our neck muscles loosen ‘till tension they lack
Our heads topple forwards, or sideways, or back
The jar of the movement brings us up with a start
And we fight to wake up and the mists tear apart
We strive with an effort to focus our mind
On a face, or a feature, or word of some kind

The effort is awesome, our will starts to bend
Our memory drifts, we can scarce comprehend
Our thoughts are fragmented, intentions all fade
We cease to remember the efforts we've made
But then as we drift without notion or care
We're hauled back to answer some point from the chair

The sleep falls away, the brain comes alive
And thoughts buzz around like bees in a hive
We strive to remember but mem'ry is blank
And the welling of panic is nauseous and rank
But no one has noticed the moments delay
And now someone else has chipped in with his say

We're quickly alert as adrenalin flows
The context grows clear and confidence grows
The probable question we quickly deduce
And think up some answers that may be of use
And then whilst we wait for a lull to reply
Reflect that all meetings are sadly awry

Now only an hour of the meeting remains
And dismay at our progress the Chairman now feigns
For half the agenda has still to be done
And a spurt is required ere the battle is won
So through all the topics at gallop we go
And paper presenters feel anger and woe

The clock on the wall the seconds now counts
And papers are gathered, the noise level mounts
A scuffling of chairs, then a break for the door
As members bid fair to be right at the fore
The outer door closes, contentment is seen
For the sun is still bright and the grass is still green.

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